Two years into the rollicking ride that has been California, I have never been so aware of both my personal trouble-spots and also the power and response-ability I hold to change the parts of my story I no longer jive with. It’s empowering, to expand the limits and rewrite the characters, namely myself. I’ve been feeling like these last few months have been a sort of spiritual puberty. I’ve been going squeaky-voiced into some fairly overwhelming territories and discovering that despite what various anxieties whisper in my ear, I’m not gonna die from facing the unknown. And there is a lot unknown right now– in terms of my next livelihood, relationships, creative projects.
But as I’m sitting here at a Berkeley cafe on a cloudy Sunday, I’m feeling grateful for all the shifts and for this moment of peace in the midst of my own resistance to changing. Last night, I felt it– the unknown as thrilling instead of purely terrifying, as more inviting than distancing. I felt great appreciation for the many beautiful comrades I walk with, the magick-makers, bright minds, and clear hearts, also finding their way. We’ve got each other, and what a beautiful thing that is. This new world, as Arundhati Roy has said, “it is not only possible..On a quiet day, I can feel her breathing.” I can feel that new world too, springing up in our ever- evolving hearts, that hold more than ever these days, breaking and mending themselves and transforming daily.
I’ve been tuning into my heart this week and feeling the source strength I’ve sought so ceaselessly throughout my life. For too long, I’ve been driven by a need for outside validation. I thought that once I got that next A, once I got into Harvard, once I finished my book, once I studied Cranio, once I got the perfect job, once I had the perfect partnership, once I moved to California– then, finally, finally, I would feel “ready.” To do what, I’m not sure exactly, but it felt so tangible– that sense of OK-ness that was always a little bit out of my reach. Well, out of this time of unknown, I’ve been gaining a new appreciation for the fact that my life has not followed a linear path. It’s zigged and zagged and spiraled and at 34, I’m not quite where I thought I’d be. The truth is that I may never feel completely at peace with myself. I may never feel completely ready to rock whatever next phase I’m entering.
The only thing that is clear right now is that even with the uncertainty, loving action is what’s needed. As Doris Lessing has said, “Whatever you’re meant to do, do it now. The conditions will always be impossible.” This time is teaching me that, despite perfectionistic tendencies, it’s actually fine not to be completely ready. Sitting in the many chambered heart are these coexisting truths: we know a lot, more than we think we do, and also, we have a lot to learn. Both are natural, both are ok. #breakdownintobreakthrough #zigzagpath #healingfromperfectionism